


The Hardest Thing

by a1_kitkat



Category: Westlife
Genre: Guilt, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, In Love but Can't be Together, Infidelity, M/M, Nicky loves Shane, Shane Loves Nicky, Shnicky - Freeform, Slash, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 03:37:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1883889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shane feels guilty about his relationship with Nicky and decides to end it</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hardest Thing

We both know that I shouldn't be here  
This is wrong  
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you  
Both of us trying to be strong  
I've got somewhere else to be  
Promises to keep  
Someone else who loves me  
And trusts me fast asleep  
I've made up my mind  
There is no turning back  
She's been good to me  
And she deserves better than that 

 

Shane opened his eyes, feeling the warm sunlight on his face. He cursed himself for not closing the curtains but refused to get up and close them now. The warm body nestled against his was too comforting for him to pull away from. The brunette looked down at the blonde in his arms and gently brushed his hand through the short locks.  
Nicky began to stir. He groggily shifted his position and opened his eyes, looking up at Shane with sleepy eyes. Before Shane could greet him 'good morning', Nicky covered the distance between them and kissed Shane's lips.

"Morning babe" Nicky whispered in Shane's ear before pulling away.  
"Morning" Shane replied.  
Nicky smiled. He loved hearing Shane's voice first thing in the morning. He settled back down and rested his head on Shane's chest. He bought his hand up and lightly traced various patterns across Shane's shirtless stomach.  
The younger boy watched his lover in silence. Nothing could compare to mornings like this as he loved waking up with Nicky in his arms.

RING! RING!  
Shane reached over and grabbed the phone.  
"Hello?" Shane asked.  
"Shane?" came the response. He winced as he recognized the voice.  
"Morning Gill"  
"Oh, thank God" she gushed, sounding relieved. "I was worried when he you didn't come back last night. I assumed you and the lads had a big one and didn't want to wake us"  
"Yeah... It was really late. I crashed on the couch in Nicky's room..."  
"Hmmmm... You answered the phone pretty quickly"  
"I was already awake... Heading for the bathroom..."  
"Well, Nicole and I will be waiting for you. Then we can all have breakfast together"  
"Great... I'll be there in a few"  
"Bye honey"

Shane placed the phone back on the table and moaned. While on the phone, Nicky had been gently stroking his cock. As he'd dropped the receiver, Nicky had engulfed Shane's hardening tool in his mouth. His breath caught in his throat as his lover greedily sucked on his hardness. Shane closed his eyes, enjoying Nicky's skilled tongue massaging his cock.

"Nicky, stop" Shane groaned.  
The blonde continued, choosing to ignore Shane's request.  
Desperately searching for as much willpower he could grasp, Shane managed to pull away from Nicky. His blonde lover whimpered as the younger boy removed his erection from Nicky's mouth.  
"Shay?" Nicky panted, licking his lips.  
"No" Shane whispered. "Gillian's waiting for me..."

 

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion when you start to cry  
I can't let you see what you mean to me  
When my hands are tied and my hearts not free  
We're not meant to be  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do  
To turn around and walk away  
Pretending I don't love you 

 

Shane turned his back on Nicky, climbed off the bed and began searching for his clothes. He struggled to pull his boxers over his weeping cock. Nicky had gotten him worked up and he dreaded having to explain his arousal to his wife. The blonde was still licking his lips and could still taste Shane in his mouth.  
He quickly leapt to his feet and wrapped his arms around Shane, pressing his lips against Shane's and holding the embrace for several moments. The brunette, taken by surprise, dropped his shirt and slipped his arms around his naked lover. The two singers remained locked at the lips, neither wanting to let go.

"Don't go" Nicky whispered.  
"I have to" Shane replied.  
"Let me..." Nicky closed his hand around Shane's hardness. "Please?"

The brunette panicked for a moment. He didn't have time for Nicky to play but if he went back to Gillian looking like that... Shane nuzzled his face against the blonde's neck and kissed the skin.  
"We have to be quick" Shane pleaded.  
"You won't take long" Nicky smirked.

He dropped down to his knees and pushed Shane's boxers down to the floor. He quickly took Shane into his mouth and began sucking. The brunette placed his hand on Nicky's shoulder to steady himself. His blonde lover could *always* send him weak at the knees. After several intense minutes, Shane came, spilling his seed down his lovers throat. The older boy swallowed before climbing back up to look at Shane.

The brunette quickly pulled up his pants and collected his shirt. When Nicky leaned in to kiss him, Shane stepped back. The blonde tried to hide his crestfallen look. He knew Shane needed to get back to his wife but he didn't have to be so heartless.

"I'll see you later" Shane said, walking away from Nicky.

 

I know that we'll meet again  
Fate has a place and time  
So you can get on with your life  
I've got to be cruel to be kind  
Like Dr. Zhivago  
All my love I'll be sending  
And you will never know  
There can be no happy ending 

 

As Shane walked down the hall towards his room, his heart was still in Nicky's room. Georgina was back home in Dublin, not being able to accompany them on this leg of the tour. Shane was glad Gillian and Nicole had come with him for this leg but it made it increasingly hard for him to be alone with Nicky. He slipped the key into the lock and let himself in to his room.

"I'm back, Gill" Shane called.

His wife was sitting on the bed, holding their daughter in her arms. This image always bought joy to Shane's heart. His daughter was a picture of perfection in his eyes. He loved her with all his heart, his beautiful wife too. But Nicky... Nicky was his soul mate. He could never tell his wife this. He knew no one would ever understand.

"Hi" Gillian greeted him.  
"How is she this morning?" Shane asked, approaching the bed and sitting beside his wife.  
Gillian handed Nicole over to Shane and he smiled down at his daughter. Then he leaned over and kissed his wife.

"I wish you wouldn't keep having all these late nights" Gillian admitted.  
"I'm sorry, baby" Shane replied.  
"Nicky doesn’t mind you staying with him?"  
"He's used to it"  
"Shall we stay in for breakfast or join the others?"  
"I don't mind... You decide"  
"Let's join the other lads... Is Jodi still here?"  
"Yeah, she's leaving tomorrow"  
"Nicky must miss having Gina around"  
"I guess"  
"Shay? Are you okay?"  
"Yeah... Just tired"  
"Why don't you go shower before breakfast?"

Shane nodded. He leaned down and kissed his daughter then carefully passed her back to her mother. He climbed off the bed and walked into the bathroom. After closing the door, he stripped off his clothes and climbed into the shower. As the water washed over his body, he remembered the first time he and Nicky had showered together... And Bryan had almost caught them. He smiled and laughed at the memory.

Somewhere in his reminiscing, his laughter turned to tears. He remembered walking into Nicky's room one night and seeing him having sex with Georgina. He'd cried himself to sleep that night, cursing himself for being upset. It's not like Nicky wasn't allowed to have sex with his own wife.

Shane leaned back against the wall, tears streaming down his cheeks. He really loved Nicky but every time he looked at his wife, the guilt would eat at his heart. Shane was married. So was Nicky. They both had their own lives... Their own separate lives. He'd put this off long enough. Gillian didn't deserve this, neither did Nicole.

Last night, the four lads had gone for a few drinks after the show. Gillian had returned to their room with Nicole but had insisted Shane enjoy himself. He and Nicky had enjoyed two drinks before retiring to Nicky's room. They had made love twice before falling asleep in each other's arms.  
In the early hours of the morning, Shane had awoken and tried to talk himself down from a panic attack. He couldn't go on like this. It wasn't fair on Gillian, Nicole and Georgina. Or on himself and Nicky.  
As he wiped the tears from his eyes, he'd made up his mind. He knew it would kill him to do it... He had to break Nicky's heart.

 

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion when you start to cry  
I can't let you see what you mean to me  
When my hands are tied and my hearts not free  
We're not meant to be  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do  
To turn around and walk away  
Pretending I don't love you 

 

When he and Gillian entered Kian's room, Nicky was already there. The blonde was engaged in conversation with Jodi. Shane watched as Nicky's expression displayed his upset at Shane holding his wife's hand. Nicky excused himself from his conversation and made his way over to Mark. He sat down beside Mark and immediately started flirting with him. Shane tried not to act jealous.  
He sat down at the table with his wife and started to eat his breakfast. Nicky's sweet laughter was like a dagger in Shane's heart. He tried to hide it and luckily for him, no one noticed.  
After an uneventful breakfast, Gillian and Jodi went shopping while the lads headed out for some media interviews and a sound check. It was a very busy day and Shane barely had a moment alone with Nicky which he was thankful for. The blonde was frustrated by it which Shane found quite funny.

Gillian chose to stay at their hotel rather than see the concert again so Shane bid her goodnight before leaving for the venue. He made his way downstairs and climbed into the car. Kian sat beside him and Shane was grateful. He'd decided to keep his distance from Nicky, to resist having a relapse. He knew what needed to be done but he was afraid. He didn't want to hurt his lover.

Mark was in their dressing room when Shane walked in. The younger boy was asleep on the couch. A knock at the door caused him to turn around. He opened the door and Nicky entered the room. The blonde closed the door before leaping into Shane's arms. The older boy forced his tongue into Shane's mouth while the brunette attempted to pull away.

"Nicky, no" Shane argued. "Mark-"  
"But I haven't been able to kiss you all day" Nicky pouted.  
"I know... And I'm sorry babe"  
"Tonight? After the show?"  
"Maybe"  
"Maybe?"  
"Ok... I'll meet you in your room"  
"Promise?"  
"I promise"

Nicky kissed Shane's lips once more before breaking their embrace. He smiled at his lover then left the dressing room, a slight bounce in his step. Shane closed the door behind Nicky, and then leaned back against it. For the second time that day he couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks.

 

Maybe another time, another day  
As much as I want to, I can't stay  
(Ooh)  
I've made up my mind  
There is no turning back  
She's been good to me  
And she deserves better than that 

 

The show was not one of their best. Shane had been distracted all night and hadn't been able to put his heart into the show. He feared the fans would be disappointed but had other things on his mind. Right now he couldn't give a damn about the fans. He sent an sms to Gillian to tell her he'd be late then he joined Mark and Kian in the bar for a drink.  
He had no intention of getting drunk or loosing track of the time. He'd promised Nicky he'd meet him in his room and he needed a drink to calm his nerves. Shane knew he'd put this off too long. It needed to be done, no matter how much it hurt.

When he knocked on the door to Nicky's room, his hand was shaking. The door opened and he was greeted by Nicky's smiling face. Shane returned the smile then stepped into the room. The older boy slid his arms around Shane's neck. The brunette kissed him, a strong, passionate kiss before pulling away. Nicky watched him with confused eyes. His lover walked around the room and stopped by the window.  
Shane turned around, his face set and determined. He took a deep breath and looked into Nicky's beautiful blue eyes. He knew was going to be difficult. He'd been practicing on his way upstairs but hadn't managed to master what he was going to say.

"Nicky" Shane began. "We have to stop"  
"We haven't started yet" Nicky said, walking closer to his lover.  
Shane held up his hand to stop Nicky. 

"I mean, *we* have to stop" Shane began again.  
"What are you-?" Nicky didn't understand.  
"Nicky, I'm married. So are you. I love Gillian"  
"And I love Gina..."  
"Nicky" Shane reached for Nicky's hand. He looked him in the eye and took the plunge. "I don't love you anymore"  
"Shay?"  
"Nicky. I mean it... I have a wife and a daughter. Gillian has stood by me through so much. She doesn't deserve this. I've lost count of the amount of times I've been busy in your bed while she slept in the next room. It's wrong"  
"But... You're my soul mate"

Hearing Nicky say those words made Shane want to cry. He tried to stay composed. He couldn't fail this now. He was married. Nicky was married. They both had wives who loved them dearly and trusted them completely. Yet, here they were, betraying that trust.

"No, Nicky" Shane insisted. "I'm not!"  
"Shay?"

Nicky's eyes had filled with tears. His voice was quivering and his face had paled. Shane longed to take the blonde in his arms and kiss it all better. He wanted to take back his words, collapse on the bed and make love to his soul mate.  
But he reminded himself he had to stay strong.

 

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion when you start to cry  
I can't let you see what you mean to me  
When my hands are tied and my hearts not free  
We're not meant to be  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do  
To turn around and walk away  
Pretending I don't love you 

 

"Nicky... I don't love you" Shane said again, more firmly. He silently prayed the more he said it, the more he could convince himself it was true.  
"No" Nicky argued.

Tears were streaming down Nicky's cheeks. He couldn't believe Shane would be so heartless. He wanted to believe Shane was playing a cruel, sick joke. His lover had looked him in the eye and insisted he didn't love him.

"I'll see you tomorrow"

Shane broke away from Nicky and headed for the door. The older boy watched him walk away, completely dumbfounded. He couldn't believe Shane would do that to him.

"No, Shay" Nicky pleaded with tear filled eyes. "Please, don't leave me"  
"No more lying, Nicky" Shane replied, not able to turn around and face his soul mate.  
"Shane?"  
"It... It's over Nicky. I love my wife, not you"  
"But... I love my wife too. I love her *and* you"  
"It doesn't work like that, Nix"  
"It can"  
"No... I. Do. Not. Love. You"

Shane struggled to find the door handle. He couldn't see anything through his own tears. He couldn't even turn around to make sure his love was okay as he refused to allow Nicky to see his tears. The brunette opened the door and walked out into the hall. Taking deep breaths, he headed for the lift with the intention of going back to the bar and getting drunk off his face.

Nicky watched through his tears as Shane disappeared out the door. It closed behind him and Nicky remained frozen to the spot. He knew Shane would be back. Count of ten, the brunette would return. The upset blonde counted the one hundred and eighteen before he started to think he wasn't coming back.

He ran to the bed and threw himself on top of the mattress. He buried his face in the duvet and cried. The look in Shane's eyes when he'd said those dreaded words 'I don't love you', made Nicky feel physically sick but he couldn't move. He was too emotionally drained.  
He refused to admit Shane was right and that their relationship was hurting their wives. Right now, he didn't give a damn about his wife or Shane's. He wanted his soul mate! But the look in Shane's eyes was one Nicky would never forget.

The brunette's words continued to echo in his mind. Before Nicky cried himself to sleep, the last thing he heard was Shane's harsh confession...  
'I don't love you'

"But I love you" Nicky sobbed before sleep overtook him.

 

I don't want to live a lie  
What can I do 

END!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally hosted on my Shnicky fan fiction site.  
> First posted August 2006


End file.
